Heather Ruth Futerman (née Sepel)

This was written to contribute to the eulogy delivered at the funeral as only one sibling was encouraged to deliver a hesped.

Such is the strange nature of my mother’s illness and the calm and resolve which, three months after her diagnosis, has descended on our family that I am able to write this while she is still very much alive and, in these strange times, it does not feel strange at all.

Death has become matter-of-fact and utterly predictable. This is not how any of us saw things playing out. But in the last few months we have grown to accept it. And yet for all its predictability I know it will be devastating. We are prepared and yet completely unprepared. My mother has always been around. As I write this she is still very much around. Right now I am seeing more of her than I have in the last twenty years. Still that has not yet happened, and in this window where death is on the horizon but death is not yet a fact of our lives, for those of us that will remain to remember her, I wanted to write down a few thoughts. Possibly to share with my mother, possibly not.

As I write this, I can say that I have known my mother all of my life. Forty years. But I know that soon I will not be able to say this anymore. I know it but I do not yet know what it means. We will all be entering unchartered waters. My mother has been the calm centre of all our lives. A provider of unconditional love, practical support and mostly sound advice. Without her we will need to become this for one another. We may not all be used to it. We may not be very good at it to start with. But we will, because we must. And because it is what she would want us to do.

Big hearted, compassionate, generous and so far ahead of her time

When talking about someone as kind and truly universally loved as my mother it is customary to talk purely of this, but anyone that knew her does not need me to do so. They will already know that she was a truly remarkable woman.Big hearted, compassionate, generous and so far ahead of her time in so many ways.

She has loved us, her three children, as different as we were from her and from each other, completely, and saw us through our young lives and further into our adult lives than any of us ever imagined she would. We have been truly blessed.

I never understood the adverts on the tube for charity fun runs depicting cancer as an enemy to be beaten. As if cancer was an enemy foe with which anyone had a personal relationship, albeit a negative one. But now I understand. Cancer has come for my mother three times and it’s hard not to take that personally. But it’s also hard not to view the thirty five years my Mum survived and thrived following her first bout when I was just five as a particular bonus. Thirty five years without which I would barely have known her at all.

her natural inclination was always progressive

When I was a teenager, with Dad away for much of the week each week, often on the other side of the world or recovering from jet lag from being on the other side of the world, and with Lucy and Merryl both living away, my Mum and I ended up spending a lot of time together. It was not always quality time, but it was time, and now I see how precious it was. On school nights we would watch TV together, on weekends or school holidays we would walk the dog or go on outings. We were an odd couple. Me being the odd half. On a whim (admittedly her whim) we would go out for a Chinese, or occasionally to the cinema to see something she believed would be improving, usually subtitled. She tried to be open to the enquiries of a growing boy and her natural inclination was always progressive.

It was time in which I got to see at close hand my Mum’s incredibly generous approach to the world. And not just to her friends or family. Anyone who ever cleaned our house could expect to receive a hot meal, a full tea service with biscuit arrangement at the appropriate time and frequently a shoulder to cry on. Everyone who has ever known my mother has become part of her extended family.

extremely well read and deeply concerned with fairness and equality for all

Deeply libertarian, extremely well read and deeply concerned with fairness and equality for all ,my mother is probably the most liberal Daily Mail reader who has ever lived. As far as I know she never went on any marches but in her own quiet way she changed the world. Through her voluntary work, through her acts of kindness, through her sense of compassion, by encouraging us to look after those less fortunate than ourselves and welcoming the less fortunate into our safe suburban world. And I’d like to think that we take those values with us into the world and know that we all pass them onto the next generation by whom she is also loved and will always be fondly remembered.

Merryl spoke for us all last year and Dad spoke so beautifully about Mum today and I know that we all have our own stories to tell and memories to share and I personally love to hear them from all of those who knew her.

Mark and I wanted to share our thoughts of Mum today too.

an amazing mother

For me it is simple, she was truly an amazing mother. All the things I aspire and work so hard to do, came so naturally and effortlessly for her, and her energy when it came to mothering was boundless as was her truly unconditional love.

She was lovely natured and smiled, always, when she was busy, tired, when I’d wake her in the middle of the night with an earache and when she herself was in pain. That’s who she was, keen to make everyone else’s lives easier, and she succeeded.

She somehow managed to be confident that we as her children would do what we needed while being patient and light when we messed up. She marvelled in our achievements, but I never felt any pressure to achieve. She was the best cheerleader. Always in my corner.

As my siblings age gaps were large we all had our own adventures and memories with her. We did a first aid course together and were nearly asked to leave as we frequently got the giggles inappropriately or laughed so hard we cried, and those sitting near us would join in. When it came to our final exam, Mum was so nervous she bandaged her patients wrong arm but she was so loveable they passed her anyway. Neither of these top Merryl’s outing to the Rocky Horror Show with her though.

She was clever enough to teach me long division, creating a sum where the answer was our phone number and so patient when I messed it up. The same level of patience she’d use when working with the children at the special school where she volunteered and they clearly loved her, staff and pupils.

she’s the nicest person I’ve ever met

For a short time she was a lollipop lady at my brother’s primary school and when I went to pick him up and parents realised who I was, what they said was all too familiar. “We love her, she’s the nicest person I’ve ever met” . I still remember that today as it was repeated so often in so many contexts;  shop owners, medical professionals, friends and the list goes on.

And nowadays, we still receive the legacy of her warmth at Ossulton Way as her grandchildren reminisce together about time they spent with her, always ending in laughter while we eat the meals she taught Dad to cook and he has done so, so beautifully and frequently on Friday nights this year.