Ben Lassman

Afternoon everyone near and far.

I never thought I would be standing here doing this, especially for Ben.

I want to just say that everything here comes on behalf of all of his most dear and closest friends who are here and far, including Duncan, Fran, Pete and Mel and Louis and Emma and Catherine and Matt and Sarah and Guy and Andy who are all Ben’s inner circle.

Ben was the humblest guy you’ll ever meet. He could have saved a kitten from a burning building, donated a fortune to charity, and come up with the next big thing all before breakfast, and he still wouldn’t have boasted about it. Instead, he’d probably tell you about how he almost set his own pants on fire, lost his wallet, and somehow ended up with a new puppy, as Andy puts it. As Sarah says, he was the most amazing doting godfather to Asa and to Nicolene. And his unofficial Christmas parties on the roof would be missed.

His capacity for friendships was boundless

His capacity for friendships was boundless and he made time for everyone. It still astounds us all how he was able to connect with absolutely anyone in the most positive way. Ben and I had a small humble tradition of going to the Everyman Cinema for a movie whenever I was in London and when we went to Belsize Park we would always find the same old homeless man who we encountered years ago and Ben would buy him a hot beverage and we would kneel down and just talk to him and from that we started doing backpack care packages to people like that when we would see a genuine homeless person. It started from way long ago when he did things like organising rugby kits to be sent half way round the world from Wasps and London Irish rugby clubs to Ilkidinga Secondary school on Mt. Meru so the boys would have sports kit to wear. He had no bounds for his love and humility.

As Catherine says, he called us his sisters from other misters. Over our friendships maturing he became a brother and platonic soul mate. He showed us unconditional friendship and love. We had many adventures together as our little band of three in Tanzania, namely the Greek club and the Arusha hotel and going forward. We don’t know how he dedicated so much time to so many of us with his advice and love and care.

His humour was next level and adapted to everyone in a unique way.

As Andy put it so eloquently, “One of Ben’s greatest talents was building friendships and connecting people. He had this uncanny ability to bring folks together, like some sort of social alchemist. You could walk into a room full of strangers with Ben, and by the end of the night, you’d be planning a group vacation or starting a book club.”

Let’s just say he made Mother Teresa look like she needed to up her game. Compassionate to the core, Ben could make anyone feel like the most important person in the world.

Duncan reminded me of his adventurous and outgoing side again which included the time he decided white water rafting was just too dull and he just had to boogie board the White Nile. He always had a knack for turning things into something epic.

For the boys he was their “bwana” as Duncan put it, and a loving, kind, bear of a man who always had time, a smile on his face, a joke to give with a ready laugh and strong advice to give. We loved the boy he was and the man he became.

gave the best bear hugs

Most of all he was the most humble, comical, compassionate, fun loving and just all round gave the best bear hugs anyone could wish for. And I have no idea how we will go through our lives knowing we can’t just pick up the phone and have his voice on the other end.

When he was going through his chemo he called me when he had a not so great day and said ‘Pooj, listen to this song.’ It was a song by Pentatonix called ‘Rise…’

So instead of quoting a poem this song epitomises his journey to the end…

Beat down ’cause you know we are

Coming around again (coming around again) yeah

Hanging on a moment by the skin of our teeth

Bitin’ on the bullet ’til we come up to breathe

They call us soldiers on the battlefield

And our future’s still a mystery

And we’re standing through the long nights

Then we march into the sunlight

Sing it with me

I rise

They won’t defeat us

This song was one of Ben’s last favourite song and it couldn’t be more appropriate how much strength he got from not just music but the lyrics.

The day he left us I went earlier in the morning and found his most amazing sister and parents sitting with him. They were so gracious to allow me to sit with them and spend time with him. And as I stood at one point I saw a golden ring around him and I looked at Peter and said, “I see this light around him and it’s so beautiful.” It was then we knew he was going to be at peace and have some form of humour from above.

the humble hero, the kind-hearted connector, the generous soul, and the creative adventurer

As Andy says, “Here’s to you,Ben, the humble hero, the kind-hearted connector, the generous soul, and the creative adventurer. The world is a little less bright without you in it, but your spirit lives on in the stories we share, the friendships you forged, and the love you spread.”

To the amazing Peter, Jo and Katie who have humbled us with your presence, humility and graciousness in allowing us all to share Ben with you. Your strength, practicality and all around amazing auras just make us understand even more why your brother and son was such an amazing human being.

As we don’t have any tequila shots here I ask that you all rise in his honour and give a big Ben bear hug to the person next to you and let that energy flow up to him as we say “kwaheri” for now to our beautiful blended unicorn.

Ben received his cancer diagnosis on Saturday 2 December. His great friend and neighbour Sarah and I had gone to see him in hospital in St John’s Wood. Ben had been up all night receiving a blood transfusion, and we had spoken early in the morning and he was so bored I said I’d go and entertain him. After being asked to leave the room by a stern doctor whilst she ‘had a chat’ with Ben, Sarah and I loitered in the corridor, but me being the nosey cow I always have been, listened at the door. I heard the word ‘tumour’. Sarah and I went back into the room and his first words to us were, “Don’t freak out”. The reason I’m recounting this is because instead of having to pick Ben up off the floor after the news he had just received, HE was telling US not to freak out. Ben ALWAYS thought about others, before he thought about himself. The definition of a selfless person.

thought about others, before he thought about himself

I’ve forever said that Ben is a much kinder and better person than me, and I’ve never been proven so right after all we have heard about him this week. Yes, he’d go and collect the post from our parents’ house when they were away, water the plants, or wait in for someone to fix the gates. But to say it went beyond these menial tasks, is an understatement.

This week, we have heard hundreds, and I mean hundreds, of stories of Ben’s acts of immense kindness. Like arriving at his friends Duncan and Fran’s door some years ago, in the early hours of the morning, to give them a lift somewhere because he’d noticed there were train strikes, and they had somewhere important to be and he wanted to take them by car. Or the countless hours Ben spent on the phone or visiting friends during their darker times, to serve as a listening ear in their time of need. Ben was the epitome of selfless. He did everything for everyone else. Only he never shouted about it. He didn’t want the kudos. But I’m now going to make it my life’s work to make bloody sure he gets it. Ben gave people his time and his energy. Is there any better way of showing love to your friends?

blazed his own trail

In my twenties I would often get frustrated with Ben. I have always worked regular nine to five jobs, often for big companies, and I struggled to accept that Ben didn’t. He had so much freedom and time, something I felt so envious of. But as I grew older, my feelings towards him and his circumstances dramatically changed. I recognised that Ben had blazed his own trail and saw the courage and determination that went with this. He returned from his time in Tanzania where he was a big fish in a small pond (or the unofficial ‘Mayor of Arusha’ as we have heard this week), and had to reintegrate back into London life, a small fish in a much bigger pond. He moved, after some persuasion, to Kensal Rise, where he forged some incredible friendships with those in the ‘gold building’. The best part of this? Ben was ten minutes down the road from me. Do I wish in all honesty now, that I’d made more of this geographical closeness? Yes, of course I do.

Ben got me. He championed me. Even when Ben was so exhausted and probably pretty down, he would ask me how my day was. He’d take great interest in my work and my friendships. He’d call me, a LOT, to find out what I was up to of an evening or on the weekend. He always took an interest, and I hope he realised how much of an interest I took in him.

the time you had on this earth was spent so very valuably

I went to see Ben in his flat a couple of weeks ago, with my best friend Tahlia’s dog Rocky (who never failed to make Ben happy). We sat and chatted; he was tired but fairly upbeat. He told me he felt he’d be ready to move out of his flat soon. He wanted very much to head to Strand-on-the-Green (and we’ve since learnt Rightmove property alerts were setup on his phone). He told me he wanted a house with a garden, and enough space for any kids I might have in the future to come and stay over, so that he could do ‘the uncle thing’.

Well Benny, you may not be able to do the uncle thing in person, but I’ll make sure that any child of mine, other little ones that were fortunate enough to have known you, and any others that would have known you, not only learn all about you, but that they embody the values you held so firmly;  kindness, compassion, inclusivity and that they are always taught that greatest gift they can give anyone is their time.

We will never have had enough time with you Benny, but I’m so pleased that the time you had on this earth was spent so very valuably.

Rest in peace Benny. I promise I’m going to do you proud.

We’d like you all to grab a glass of fizz, a shot of tequila or something else, and toast Ben, my big brother.