My wonderful Amanda
The last thirty five years we have been together have been filled with so much love, so much honesty. Most of all you knew my weaknesses and made me stronger, you made me such a better person than the one you first fell in love with. I was empty before I met you and now for the rest of my life I will have to find ways in which to deal with the pain and grief that I am feeling right now.
There was nothing that you wouldn’t do for any of us
We always used to joke around about who would be the first to go and I would say to you that it would be me given my medical history, whilst you only ever once went to the hospital and that was to give birth to Abbi. Well you need to know that the pain, the hurt and the grief of losing you that I am now feeling, I would never have wanted you to have felt by losing me first, as this grief is excruciating and killing me inside right now. My heart has been shattered into a thousand pieces and I doubt will ever be put together again. Now was the time when you and I were looking forward to spending so much more time together and travelling to as many new countries as we wanted.
Your love for me and our beautiful Abbi, your mum and sister Hayley, and of course your wonderful late dad Norman, had no bounds, regardless. There was nothing that you wouldn’t do for any of us. When you, me and Abbi first found out about your cancer after a back scan in early January 2021, we found out that the lung cancer was already Terminal due to the spread into your bones and brain, but you wanted to keep it from your mum and sister so that they could carry on rebuilding their lives following Norman’s death from Covid the previous April. So for the next twelve months we had to continue life as though nothing was wrong, not just to family but to all of our friends as well. I know how much this hurt you but you could only see the bigger picture.Then when you almost died the first time in early January this year from sepsis, enough was enough, and Abbi and I told those closest to you what had happened. And only then did it all fall into place for them. For us, we had known for the past year and had been through all of the pain and had accepted your condition, but now we had to support those that we had told and who were now coming to terms with losing you.
You wanted everyone to remember you as you were that night, and not as you would finally be
I now look around at so many people in this hall that have come to say their goodbyes to you, to show you how much they loved and still love you, and how much you have meant to them. Some in here have been friends of yours for forty years or more, which is a remarkable achievement. I need to tell you that the love in this room for you is immense and the sadness and sorrow felt by everyone immeasurable. The respect for you and the wider family on both sides, is remarkable.
You have been taken away from me at such an early age, just fifty six years of life, that’s all you have had. You were so strong right up until the very last day, which I am happy that I decided to spend all of that day with you away from work. I don’t know what made me decide to take the day off, but when we kissed each other goodnight after the nurses had repeatedly asked me to leave for the last hour or so, and we said to each other I love you, as we did every day of our lives together, I said that I would be back in the morning to bring you home as you were being discharged. We both knew that you would be coming home to spend the last days or possible weeks in the comfort of your own home and with Abbi by your side. But you then left us just two hours after I left the hospital. You waited didn’t you, you waited until I had left to finally go on your journey. You just knew.
The pain and suffering you were going through that final week was heartbreaking for me, Abbi and Hayley to see. I don’t think any of us have cried as much as we have, since the cancer started to really become aggressive and start to decimate your body since Christmas time which led to you being in the Intensive Therapy Unit for nine days. The last time we spent an evening out with our friends was on my birthday at the end of October, and you said to me the week leading up to that night that in the end you wanted everyone to remember you as you were that night, and not as you would finally be. No pity, no sympathy and no tears. Well two out of three you got!
You always knew right from wrong, you knew what was and what was not important in life
You always knew right from wrong, you knew what was and what was not important in life, but most of all the love you have for Abbi cannot be measured. You and her are like two peas in a pod. You are best of friends, always talking to each other, telling each other how much you love each other, giving her your advice whether she wanted it or not, and always being proud of how well she was doing in her blossoming broadcasting career whilst balancing that with her work at X-Pole. As hard as you tried to hide the pain you were going through, I have to tell you now that Abbi was never really taken in by you. You and I had unknowingly created the Amanda 2.0, a mix of your best bits, my best bits and some of our not so best bits. A formidable creature you are so proud of, and I know you will continue to guide her for the rest of her life.
As I look at you now laying there finally at peace and in no pain or suffering, I know that this is only your shell, not your soul. The beauty you always possessed was that which was within you. Your spirit will always be there to guide us, looking after us and providing Abbi, Hayley and Myra with a sense of spirit that will always be around them. For me I only have to close my eyes and there you are, in all of my memories and putting a tear in my eye and a smile on my face.
I have been the most privileged man on this earth to have been your husband, your best friend and your confidant. I truly believe that my grief right now cannot feel any worse than it is but I know that time will take some of this away, and as I promised to you many times before I will always be the best dad and friend to Abbi, and she will be my only concern from now on. To see her continue her journey in life to accomplish amazing goals and live a life of happiness and to have her own family one day. To a time when she and I can sit with your grandchildren and tell them stories all about the amazing Grandma Amanda and how wonderful you were.
Amanda, I will never ever find someone as beautiful on the inside or the outside as you, you are my friend, my rock, my wife and my LIFE!
My future dreams will know you well. I know you will visit them often and give me the strength every day to smile knowing how much you have changed my world. You were and still are the world to me. May God take good care of you, as you are now in heaven with all the other Angels.